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Name: Horse chestnuts.

Age: Brought into the UK 409 years ago.

Appearance: The outdoor world's collectible doll.

That can't be accurate. It is. Go and watch a TikTok video of someone unboxing a conker, and you’ll almost certainly hear them refer to it as “the earth's Labubu”.

Unboxing conkers? What on earth are you talking about? Goodness, you are definitely out of the loop, aren’t you? Gen Zers are using social platforms to record videos unpeeling conkers from their prickly shells.

What's the reason? Due to the feeling of amazement! When you unbox a conker, you can't predict what you’re going to get. Could it be large? Will it be flat? How shiny will it be? It is like a mystery box every time!

Do Labubu dolls share those traits? No, they’re vaguely hellish-looking dolls that have become collectible because they are sold in mystery boxes.

Can someone please tell the younger crowd that they’re doing conkers wrong? Are they? How do you do conkers, then?

Thread a lace through the center, and try to break others' nuts. Is that true? That’s unusual.

Yes. Your odds improve if you leave it in vinegar and then bake it like a pie. You're not joking?

Truly. And should you gather an excess, you can toss them in the schoolyard and all the other kids will compete to grab them. A lovely item from nature like a conker, and you use it as a weapon? A weapon that comes with a long set of arcane and bewildering rules?

That's the custom! King Charles literally just presented the global conker competition with three hundred horse chestnuts! At least gen Z is only filming them.

Why don’t you know this? At a guess, because certain schools prohibited the game two decades ago, due to concerns over well-being.

The modern world never fails to amaze me. Maybe revealing horse chestnuts just doesn't appeal to you. In which case, perhaps you would be better suited to some other popular youth fads.

Is that so? Like what? Well, there’s this thing called yarn work, and something else called pottery that I can explain to you.

Those hobbies are ancient! Let me guess, you heat tools in apple drink and then use them to jab one another?

No! OK, relax. I assumed that all older generation's pastimes involved some type of aggression, after that horse chestnut game.

I feel stressed. Relax for a moment. If you need me, I’ll be opening plant seeds online.

Appropriate comment: “Social media loves showcasing nut discoveries.”

Don’t say: “This is nuts.”